lent post game

Lent has past and the easter bunny rose from the ground with sugar filled baskets for all the good christian kids–good work bunny with your help all the believers out there will have mouths more bombed out than fallujah by may. Anway, back to easter, I gave up puns, feelings, and some other things that i dont really remember–40 days in desert can really fuck with your memory. All i do know is that puns are burried forever. Once and while you might hear a tribute pun or a remembrance pun, but the gratuitous “you count m up” style of hellraiser past is donzo forever. It was mediocre while it lasted. Good night and good luck.

However, puns are not the only thing to now be officially retired. Though it is after lent season I the spirit has inspired me to give up two more things. While I have said this in the past with little to no sincerity, what is about to follow is typed with the upmost seriousness. I am once again keeping edge.
After some serious thinking, some visits to the doctor, and some thoughts on my family’s health, I have decided to stop drinking and injesting smoke. This means not even an ocasional hey can I get a sip. Not even a hey I am really stressed and I deserve one. Health conditions and serious contemplation have made it abundantly clear that this is the right choice and a necessary choice. So here I am. Edge, like I was 14 all over again. No worries, I will not be the preachy guy that lectures about how what you are ingesting is going to kill you. No no no. I will just sit quiety and drink my screwdriver sans vodka and soak up the good company of my friends and loved ones.
Bring on caffeine!
l

Kissing bureaucracy

Here we are again. Introductions have happened. I have made you giggle. You have made me look deeply into the bottom of my glass as if to indicate in the most contrived way that I am bashful and fragile. I will keep asking questions and you will keep fielding them like you are sammy sosa. Over and over. You like collar bones. Or is it shoulder bones. See I cannot really remember because I have done this over and over. Not necessarily these same lines-well sometimes the same lines, but generally just the same thing, over and over. It is like the twenty-something formality before snogging. I ask some questions. Make some jokes. And we have at it. It is like some sick joke where you go to city hall and form after form is the same thing.
Cant we skip this? Cant we both just come to some mutual understanding of what will be the inevitable. Can’t we talk afterwards? I mean we are psuedo adults. We can have the ice cream first and our vegetables second? Cant we? Besides isnt all this kinda empty when it is on script the way it is now? Maybe not? Maybe we need this. Maybe there is nothing without the paper pushing. The bureaucracy of kissing. Kind of like how the DMV is nothing without mindless lines and waiting. Maybe it makes the kiss that much sweeter. Maybe it does, but it is still rediculous the way this goes on and on weekend after weekend. The questions and the routine all for a kiss. How cheap we are. Like dogs doing a trick for a treat.
Still I am kinda growing tired of this. Tired of the routine cause at this point I know where it will lead. I sometimes think to myself while leaning against some wall at a party, “really is this happening again.” I mean sure you are fit girl. Sure we hit it off, but are we headed down this tired old road again to the same old same old. I mean why get excited about the ball gown when it is the same old party?
So come kiss me darling and lets skip the barbra walter 20/20. I wil respect you in the morning. I will watch morning shows and even cook breakfast.And we can talk over eggs. Let just toss this fucking paperwork and get out of here. What do you say?

How white am I.

First a little press for myselfhttp://www.bates.edu/x174600.xml

Now on to the post. Nearly every other day someone has asked if I read “stuffwhitepeoplelike”, which if you do not know is this satirical blog about white people that is written in a tone that is reminiscent of a traveler’s guide. Wondering about the significance of a dinner party and how to survive it…head there.
Anyway as a race major the site got me thinking about how the posts defined and described whiteness. Specifically, I began to wonder how white I was (funny cause I am a person of color) according to the site. So I am going to list the white people list and see just how white I am. Who knows this could be the new 1 drop rule?

Below is the play by play but I counted 35%. Not bad (I was kind afraid of being a total uncle tom). Still 2/3 Black. phew.

#92 Book Deals–yes I would love one. But who wouldnt really. I guess some people would opt for a shoe deal, record deal, or lottery deal first. But in short. Yes I dream of having one someday…but doesn’t every blogger. Too vague dq’d
#91 San Francisco–Yes would love to live in san francisco. Dope hills for bombing, lots of hipsters, Mission neighborhood. Yes
#90 Dinner Parties-Have been attending these lets pretend we are our parents parties since college. kid moves off campus in comes the dinner party. Yes.
#89 St. Patrick’s Day. LAME.
#88 Having Gay Friends. Have em. Enjoy em. Yes.
#87 Outdoor Performance Clothes. CANNOT STAND YOU. You are as Lame as Christopher Reeves.
#86 Shorts. You will NEVER EVER see me wearing short. EVER EVER. And it is not because I have ugly legs. Rather it is because no one ever looks cool in shorts. james dean..did not wear shorts.
#85 The Wire–Sad to say, but I am now hooked. God damn dish on demand. damn you to hell. Yes.
#84 T-Shirts. American Apparel. Yes. though i type that with my head hung low.
#83 Bad Memories of High School. High school sucked, but that was because I wasnt white. dq’d.
#82 Hating Corporations. Certain ones. Nike is exempts cause they make fly sneakers.
#81 Graduate School. Big fan. I mean what else am i supposed to do with a liberal arts degree.
#80 The Idea of Soccer. Sober answer is no.
#79 Modern Furniture. Yes. Arg.
#78 Multilingual Children. No. they just make me suspicious and confused and jealous.
#77 Musical Comedy. NO NO NO. About as much fun as a night in Sing Sing.
#76 Bottles of Water. Yes Fiji please. I am a sucker for aesthetics.
#75 Threatening to Move to Canada. Nope too cold.
#74 Oscar Parties. If there is literally nothing else to do maybe. Otherwise I will proudly watch youtube for three hourse instead and just read the times the next day.
#73 Gentrification. NO
#72 Study Abroad. Yeah you got me. How can I pass up an opportunity to be a long haired vagabond?
#71 Being the only white person around. Dq’d since I am not white.
#70 Difficult Breakups. Had more than
#69 Mos Def…aol sn is named after him…black on both sides has been known to be on repeat.
#68 Michel Gondry…you had me at legos.
#67 Standing Still at Concerts. Nope.
#66 Divorce. Nope.
#65 Co-Ed Sports. Wgs major knows mad girls are stronger than he is.
#64 Recycling. NO.
#63 Expensive Sandwiches..Yes the ones that have the fancy spreads are a plus
#62 Knowing What’s Best for Poor People…yes cause thats what you get with a 100 thousand dollar education
#61 Bicycles…I secretly plan on buying a fixie and moving to portland Oregon
#60 Toyota Prius. NO. Give me a mini
#59 Natural Medicine..No
#58 Japan. No too xenophobic
#57 Juno. Yes and No. No because of what it did to the moldy peaches.
#56 Lawyers. HELL FUCKING NO.
#55 Apologies. I have a lot of feelings
#54 Kitchen Gadgets. I am poor.
#53 Dogs.. I really want an english bull dog
#52 Sarah Silverman..Not funny unless her romance with kimmel is a joke.
#51 Living by the Water. Yes
#50 Irony…its what I got.
#49 Vintage…Yes. It just feels better when some homeless person died in the pants you are wearing.
#48 Whole Foods and Grocery Co-ops…too expensive.
#47 Arts Degrees…uggg yes.
#46 The Sunday New York Times…ugg yes crossword puzzles.
#45 Asian Fusion Food…fusion NO
#44 Public Radio. That Ira glass…swoon.
#43 Plays. NOPE. NOPE NOPE.
#42 Sushi. Yes.
#41 Indie Music. Yes but not the soft I have feelings kind.
#40 Apple Products. Live and die by.
#39 Netflix. Get OUT OF YOUR HOUSE!!! NO
#38 Arrested Development-like two years ago.
#37 Renovations. too poor.
#36 Breakfast Places. Yes. the greasier the better
#35 The Daily Show/Colbert Report…i laugh. Yes
#34 Architecture. I like signs. Does that count?
#33 Marijuana…over it.
#32 Vegan/Vegetarianism..Nope
#31 Snowboarding…yes.
#30 Wrigley Field. FUCK THE CUBS
#29 80s Night…I do do a mean Carleton snap
#28 Not having a TV…Nope i like the Wire.
#27 Marathons. I will take the train.
#26 Manhattan (now Brooklyn too!) I cannot stand NYC
#25 David Sedaris…You got me.
#24 Wine. Pinot Noir.
#23 Microbreweries. Rogue.
#22 Having Two Last Names…Try two middle names.
#21 Writers Workshops. No try four years ago when all the wine convinced me I was a writer.
#20 Being an expert on YOUR culture
#19 Traveling.. yes
#18 Awareness..yes
#17 Hating their Parents..no
#16 Gifted Children…yes
#15 Yoga…yes.
#14 Having Black Friends. Yes otherwise my card gets taken away.
#13 Tea…no coffee.
#12 Non-Profit Organizations…yes cause they hire people like me.
#11 Asian Girls. Yes.
#10 Wes Anderson Movies…before. Now…NO.
#9 Making you feel bad about not going outside. I hate going to do outdoorsy things. no thank you
#8 Barack Obama…Signed first edition book…yeah i am a fan,.
#7 Diversity. Yes but because I majored in it.
#6 Organic Food. No
#5 Farmer’s Markets. NO
#4 Assists.ehh no I like the glory.
#3 Film Festivals-Dream of going to one.
#2 Religions their parents don’t belong to. Nope
#1 Coffee…Yes My new addiction

NERD

Every now and then we are reminded of high school. Like when you run into your high school friends five years later and go out for drinks and share stories. Other times it happens in the most unexpected way possible. For example, this past weekend while walking down the streets of portland with a friend this dude says “what’s up” when he is about five feet from us. I don’t know the guy, but i think hey why not extend the non-commital head nod. I mean he did say whats up. Right? Well after nodding the guy was about one foot from us, and it was at this point that he SCREAMS “Nerd!” While I was never called nerd in high school, the whole event seemed a little high school esq, given the fact that it was completely unprovoked and really kind of absurd. Anyway thanks random dude for making me feel 8 years younger.

in Other news,
3 things Jesus prevented me from doing this weekend (sunday).
1.) going to the tattoo parlor
2.) going grocery shopping
3.) seeing a movie
Really? Does Does Jesus really not want any of this to happen on sundays?

Getting Older

Have you ever noticed that people over 25 don’t have “keggers”? Want to know why…it has nothing to do with class or a sudden interest in Pinot Noir. Rather, Kegs are FUCKING heavy! And no one with an even mildly fragile back is going to attempt to lift one (well maybe if your name is Magmus…way too much ESPN2 at 3 am).

Interesting Khakis

First gig is tonight (time to see how many friends the three of us have), and I have crazy things to get done both at work and before the show so this post is going to be a little short.

Dawned on me this morning while having a little hallway convo with my co-worker that the word interesting is kind of like a pair of khakis. You can dress it up or dress it down. Business casual lunch, day at the beach, frisbee on the quad, in class presentation. Good for all occasions. Interesting is a word that can say a whole lot without saying anything…it is the wink of the human language. So what was that movie like…it was interesting. So what did you think of biddy 1…she was interesting. What do you think of Foucault…his theories are interesting. It could mean I think that girl had as much substance as a Michael Bay flick or it could mean that reading really made me do some introspective thinking. However, most often it means I really don’t have the vocabulary, time, or desire to go into how I really feel.

The Story of a tramp

I originally did this blog as a way to keep myself occupied when I couldnt sleep.

I then used the blog to get myself in the habit of writing often.

I then used the blog to record the little random rants that happen in my head.

For a very long time my family were the only viewers. They kept telling me the writing was good (my earlier work is at times better) and soon I got cocky and thought that others would enjoy my little diatribes about children and insights into the beauty of pinball. So, what did i do? I started sending shameless plugs (links) to friends. Reader numbers increased. This is when everything changed.

Then I started posting links whenever I made an appearance at an online function or gathering. Reader numbers increased. Now I watch my stat counts like a girl watches the phone hoping johnny football star will call. I am a whore when it comes to press. Worse yet, I am a whore who cares. The effect of this is that my readership is up, but this gem has some negative consequences. Now, I am censoring myself. Now that I know certain friends read I am holding some stuff back.

I know I know, it reads like a classic US weekly “i wish i wasn’t in the public eye woe is me story” that comes from someone who is (admittedly) an attention whore. Still, it might be time for a name change. Cause for the past few days I have wanted to say some things but have held back knowing that there was a potential someone who would read it…think it was about them and then unfriend me on facebook, which we all know is the modern version of not inviting someone to their birthday party…ie the truest testament of “you mean nothing to me” that exists in this dirty digital age.

Sigh…Please whoever is reading this…know that what I write here, is not completely serious and that when I am writing about some skanky biddy or meat head bro on here that I am really not talking about you, but rather that other skanky biddy or meat head bro.

Brain Dead

I Cannot think of Anything to Write about. Lie. I have a bunch of things I want to write about, but nothing that is particularly witty/insightful today. It is tuesday so i get lunch with my lady V and later have band practice. It is less than a week til our first show. I am super nervous. Anyway so what I have decided to do is what every adult does when they are at a loss for words…put in some videos. Yep parents do it when their kid is acting a muck and adults do it with other adults…see going to a movie on first date. So I am doing it. below are two videos showcasing why skating is raw…

Kissing and Telling

There is no question that one of the most gossip heavy institutions is the small liberal arts college. Seeing as how there is no anonymity and scores of college co-eds repeatedly make one night bad decisions there is a surplus of juicy fodder for gossip. Forget hollywood, and don’t even consider a sewing circle. College is at the forefront of cable-high-speed gossip. Did you hear so and so had the local at the bar take a body shot off her? Yes I did hear that…a mere six hours after it happened.

One of the prized subjects of small college gossip is the hook-up. While the term hook-up is subject to a myriad of definitions, for the point of this post I am going to tag it as a little M.O.’ing. Part of the appeal of hook-up talk is that it pushes a private matter into the public sphere. What usually happens behind bedroom/bathroom doors, or at least in the shadows, is suddenly unveiled publicly and getting a peep hole into someone’s metaphorical underwear drawer is always a hot sell. Note: New Englanders are more afraid of PDA than they are of Patagonia going out of business which makes the public transmission of private matters an even hotter sell in the NESCAC.

Point is, there is no way anyone who mildly stands out at a NESCAC is going to get away with some M.O. action without people knowing who, what, when, where within a few hours…sometimes minutes. It is kinda of like the game Clue. It was X in the kitchen with Z. Except in this game even if you are wrong you don’t really lose. In a social climate where people want to and do believe anything…your story is true even if it is not…so then what is real (woah I am having a first year philosophy moment)? Answer is, anything someone thinks they saw…it is gossip. People overlook the fact that she is a lesbian and read you two showing up at breakfast together as a tell that you two are making it hardcore…oh heteronormativity-sigh.

Basically, you so much as dip off with someone for a smoke and you mide as well just hook up with them (if they are consenting) because everyone is going to think it anyways, which means you are subject to charting. For those who don’t know charting is like the a gossip’ers dissertation (and this shit happened before the L Word). It is starting with one person and making a web of who they hooked up and then making a web of the people those people hooked up with. It keeps growing and growing and suddenly you have twenty pieces of paper spread out across a room and the urge to make an appointment at the free clinic.

Anyways once it is written down, it is history, and like all good small liberal arts college students know, history is hard to change.

Maine State ID and Mixing

On my way to portland to see a friend from high school today I think I am going to stop and get a maine state ID, except this Maine state will not require me to take a goofy photo or bring a variety pack of other forms of ID. NO no no.  The state ID I am referring to is going to be an item or two from LLBEAN (which is open 24hrs a day).  Yes I have gone 4.5 years here in the north and not once ventured to buy anything from the most vanilla store in the world, and that is just unacceptable…when in rome. Well, today is a new day.

Seriously though, part of the reason I am going is because I think that some of the most stylish fashion occurs when people mix genres, kinda of like how multiracial children almost always turn out to be gorgeous.  So I am ready to mix things up more than that Ashton Kutcher and Bernie Mac Movie.

However it is important to remember whenever mixing and matching that this rule does not apply to everything.  There are exceptions to the mixing=beauty rule.  For example, rap-rock. Nothing good has ever come out of rap-rock. Only thing that ever produced was angsty pimple face boys in the midwest with anger problems.  Regardless,I think things will be ok…you gotta have faith (Limp Bizkit reference).   Will I walk out with boots? Dock Shoes? Maybe a nice khaki flannel combo? Who Knows. The possibilities are endless with earth tones. All I do know is that I feel like being a good little consumer today.