Some Reasons to NOT like Vampire Weekend (When did this become a Music Blog??)

In December I went down to Boston with my then gf to see Tokyo Police Club at this club for some memorial show. It was cute. The band’s parents were there (i think), which kind of made the whole thing resemble a high school talent show.

There were two opening acts. One was great, but I cannot remember their name. The other was this Band that at the time I had never heard of, but have recently not be able to forget because the press/indie culture has been jamming their name/music down my throat ever since. Their name was Vampire Weekend.

Since seeing them their songs have been in skate videos, their pictures have been in magazines, and their records have been on my friends’ record players a lot. But it doesn’t just stop there. These clean cut kids from Columbia (university not country), who have been tirelessly compared to Paul Simon and the Talking heads, are also popping up in the lives of friends of friends and making it damn near impossible to NOT talk about them.

So, I am going to just that. Talk about them. In short, I think they should change the spelling in their name to Vampire WEAK-end. Below are some reason to NOT like Vampire Weekend (thanks to Lions and Mr. PC for your creative input). And before anyone says anything, I am not hating just because of their recent tryst with success…I self-admittedly love the Teenagers, MIA, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, JUNO, and a bunch of other bands/things that are touted as H.O.T.

DIATRIBE Section:

They sound too much like Paul Simon, the Talking Heads, and the Police. Sure we all have influences, but they are just completely derivative.  Worse yet, everything on their record sounds too perfect. There is no flaw, which means they sound like the way a supermodel looks. Now this whole perfect look is very enticing to some. But I am calling Photoshop. Their sound is like some ultra sugary dessert. It looks good, but as soon as you roll it around in your mouth you get a real bad toothache. Going back to the supermodel comparison, they look good in the dress, but once you take it off you feel like you are looking at someone who did time in an internment camp.

V.W. is too fucking obvious to like, let alone love, for any significant amount of time. They on their first album sound as if they were consciously writing songs for a Wes Anderson film. I am convinced that if there is ever a The Royal Tenenbaums part duex they will be on the soundtrack.

Most importantly however, they have no god damn attitude. No edge. I dread to think about what it is like for them to make love to a woman (or man). They are just these nice guys in sweaters who write songs about oxford commas (also known as serial commas). Music is supposed to be on some level either sexy, dangerous, or something. Even if it is pop music. They just kind of are. They exist. Their songs make you tap your foot, and in some cases, like the oxford comma case, they make you want to punch them in the nose. However, it is mostly just good background music for something else. Like Croquet on the quad with G&Ts. They are summer music, and I really think (though based on no serious knowledge of music) that they will pass like said season.

Hipster Fashion=Clothes(ed) Universe

Let me preface by saying that the inclusion of graphs, pictures, and some serious research into fashion could definitely help this post, but since I am writing using pirated wireless I have no time for doing most of that…Sorry.

Background (Skip this if you have no attention span and go to the POINT IS THIS section): So my school has this awful science requirement that led to my cumulative GPA dropping .3 and had me waste three classes worth of time learning about Bugs, Musical Acoustics, and The Universe. I was convinced upon graduation that I would never use any of this information. However, Post-graduate life is a funny funny place full of surprises, and during some serious mind wandering I realized that science can be used to help think about hipster fashion…

So during one of those classes I “learned” a little something about the “closed universe theory.”
which means (at least some people think) that gravity will eventually stop the expansion of the universe and that the universe will eventually collapse in on itself. Anyway I was recently reminded of this theory when observing and reflecting on the past and current state of “hipster” fashion, of which I have been said to subscribe to.

Point is this: Since the late 90’s “Hip” fashion has been been doing some serious borrowing from the past…First it was the 80s…skinny jeans, neon, hair-metal and old school rap novelty ts, retro dunks, post-punk look, angular/a-symmetrical haircuts etc. Then it expanded and began to incorporate the early 90s…flannel, cardigans, grungy hair, heroin chic making a comeback, Cosby sweaters, snap back caps, etc.

I think we are around 1994-95 now (in what kind of stuff Hipster fashion is borrowing from).

So in ten years (98 is my start point) “hipster fashion” has moved from the 80’s and into the mid 90s. What this means is that based on this pattern in like 5 more years “hipster fashion” will begin borrowing from the 2000’s, which would mean that “hipster fashion” would stop moving forward and just start repeating itself…repeating the 80’s and 90s leading to an end of fashion-expansion.

So based on my science knowledge and the closed-universe theory, it seems that if “hipster-Fashion” continues on this course the whole “scene” will collapse in on itself in five years time.

Meaning, if fashion is anything like the whole closed universe thing, this will result in us starting over. But from Where? I think it is going to be the 50’s, though it could be the 20s.

Point is, if you want to get ahead of the game start stocking up on threads from the distant-past while they are still available at fine used clothing stores near you cause the current state of expansion is headed toward collapse.