1-800-Love-me-1

So I am watching tv per usual and it is late so one of those 1800 call me adverts comes on. There is this chick saying how she wants me to call and wants to  have  a good time for the low low price of 1.99 a minute. Obvi the chick that will answer the phone will not look like her. Obvi have a good time means talk drrrty and make use of an old sock. What is not obvious is that this advert would give rise not to my dick but to a great idea…

First let me say that I don’t get why people call these numbers in an age where porn is everywhere, and free, on the internet? I don’t get why people who have an imagination and can delude themselves into thinking that their hand is the sweet sweet touch of a woman would call these numbers. But they do, and people will probably always call these numbers.

Why? cause people are lonely. No shame in that. I am lonely. I mean I write a blog for christ sake. that is like the highest point of loneliness/boredom/arrogance. Yes, in the modern age, no one picks up a guitar when they are lonely…they just start blogging. But that is neither here nor there.  

The point is there is a market for assuaging loneliness, and there is  money to be made.

My solution/money making scheme?

Develop a phone line that has people on the other line just tell the caller that they love them and that everything is going to be ok. Wouldn’t that be great? It would be like the warm embrace of a parent, loved one, or whoever without all the leg work that real love requires. I bet just hearing it would charge some peptides and get them buzzing causing euphoria. I don’t know, but I think that after just getting fired and having no gf at home I would tottes call the number. I know I would so so def call the number before I called a sex line. I mean the line could be like a therapy sesh–and we all know therapy sells like hot cakes, Which is why  i think this is how I am going to pay my college debt.

In sum I am tottes starting one of these bad boys. Be on the lookout. 

PS If you steal this idea I will murder your family. This is as good as a copyright.  

School Visits and Why my Friends Hate this Blog

1.) Accepted Students weekend makes me feel like a salesman sometimes.  Other times it makes me realize why people get into the admissions job.  Is it weird that admissions has made me think of this school as a business and a product? Hi, I am a prospective buyer (student) could you tell me where the marketing department (admissions) is? Yes I would love to see what you have in your show room (campus tour). Seriously though, it was the best time I have had at this job so far.

2.) Talking to high school students is pretty awesome cause they are still excited about life.  They aren’t like seniors who have come to realize that the statistic showing the high percentage of graduates who go to graduate school is not a good thing, but rather a statistic that indicates that your undergraduate degree will not get you a job.

3.) If you saw a three paths on a campus and two of the paths led to a building and the middle path just led to grass what would you think?  would you think the middle path symbolized the value of your education…leading you nowhere? Would you think that the middle path signified that the middle road leads no where and that a person is nothing without extreme well separated beliefs? Would you think that it reflected the schools low endowment and their inability to afford a complete third path? Or would you just take it to mean that the landscape architect was trying something different?

4.) People (3) are getting annoyed with me referencing them in my blog. Blogging is strange. While I take inspiration from my life, a lot of it is embellished for the sake of entertainment. Sometimes I speak truth. Sometimes I dont at all. Most of the time it is in the middle. Whatever. If you see something on here that offends you because you think it putting too much of your business out there, leave a comment and I will take it down. In any event it is interesting though to see how and when people get annoyed over issues of privacy. I mean people are ok with facebook pictures, rfid tags, and dinner table gossip, but posts that allude to them, but make no direct reference are no good. ok. Wait, did i do it again?

5.) I think the only time i would run off to vegas to have a shot gun wedding is if I met a woman who liked the same music as me (and didn’t just tolerate it), had bangs, laughed at my jokes, and stood up to me. (you see this is me embellishing/over-simplifying for entertainment).

6.) I am learning that my break from education has made me an even worse debater/dinner table discussion haver. I cannot form thoughts in any coherent manner. I think I am just going to stop talking until I go back to school.

The New Cat Lady

So today I got a phone call from an ex-girlfriend wishing me a preemptive happy birthday (it was pretty American).

Anyway, sometime between the how are you doing/life update questions and the we should hang out “sometime” promise that is made anytime Xs talk, she mentioned that when the sorority life and typical UCHICAGO study habits leave her with the time to feel lonely, the internet makes her feel less lonesome, and I could not agree more.  The internet is kind of like your best friend who is always willing to do what you want and never really asks for anything back.  Most importantly the internet never really overstays its welcome.  You navigate the entire relationship.  When you want the friend to leave, they leave.

After thinking about the concept a little bit, it dawned on me that the internet is like the new cat.  You know how the lonely spinster or reclusive male librarian is usually thought to have a lot of cats? Well in the new millennium the internet is the Cat.  It is the thing lonely people spend their time with.  Now we don’t have cat ladies, we have youtube life-patzers.   So below are the websites that make me feel less lonely…feel free to contribute yours.

1.) Facebook is the obvious example.

2.) Youtube is another big help. I like to watch music videos from the 90s. One of my favs is 1979 by the smashing pumpkins.

3.) Porn.

4.) NPR.

5.) Podcasts

6.) Blogging

7.) Wikipedia

8.) Messageboards

Kind of like HBO Real Sex

Realization…checking your email, blog, and surfing the net at work is kind of like watching soft core porn in your living room as a young teenager.
You never really enjoy the looking because you are always afraid that any minute someone is going to walk in. You look anxiously and nervously, but you look nonetheless because you have an urge–a calling.
You know there is nothing really wrong with what you are doing, yet you cannot shake the feelings of guilt. Like the post pubescent porn days you have another window ready to cloak what is really on your screen. You hand on the mouse trembles like a rookie cop’s finger on the trigger or a horny teenager’s finger on the “recall” button on the remote (you know the one that skips to the previous channel). Your ears are highly tuned to the movements of your office mate’s chair and your eyes quickly move between the screen and the door like some paranoid con. You are ready to quickly evade being caught red handed. One swift click and it is gone.
Unlike the college days where you could spend hours on youtube guilt free, time is money in the work place and you have no business watch the “charlie bit me” video on youtube.
So instead you watch in hiding. In shame. In secret. Covering your track like a common thief.

The first time is always awkward

This could be a decision I regret, or it could be the beginning of a beautiful, yet awfully pretentious, habit. I don’t know. All I know is that unisom is not kicking in, I have a book full of random thoughts after three months of summer, and internet for the moment. So here I am E-world, and I am blogging like the rest of the millions of people who think that what they have to say is remotely important. Ok, enough of the self-aware slightly self-conscious introduction and onto tonight’s pontification…
So the other day I am driving in my car and in a moment of upper-middle class misfortune my ipod runs out of battery. Unwilling to go a moment without some kind of sound other than the AC and the cacophony of honking horns that are the soundtrack of Chicago rush hour I turned to the radio.
It has been a while since I have listened to the radio but like riding a bike I fell right back into it. In a matter of minutes I was surfing channels and perfecting my commercial avoidance techniques like a seasoned pro, and rather unexpectedly I found myself actually enjoying the radio experience.
So there I am, tapping my thumbs and bobbing my head to the latest and greatest top 40 when it hits me like a ton of platinum stunnah shades: the choruses in top 40 rap are made up of all the things I heard from various adult figures growing up.
The radio plays “walk it out” “party like a rock star” from UNK and the Shop boys but what I really hear is my little league coach telling me to walk it out after I just got nailed in the leg by a ball hit by some steroid junky kid or my ridiculous friend from middle school telling me we are going to party like rock stars at his b-day bash at laser quest.
Now, perhaps my overweight coach and oily faced friend of mine were ahead of their time. Maybe. Or maybe we are stuck in some kind of alternate universe where that which is uncool is so excessively unhip that it becomes cool again. Perhaps the lyrics in these songs are the grapes of life in that they can be left out the “cool” cellar for long periods of time, undergo fermentation, and then once again be valuable.
I do not know for sure. All I know is that we are living in some kind of paradox when UNK is spouting the same line as a little league coach, the paragon of uncool.
So hey what to do about this?
Excellent question. As I see it you have two options. Option 1.) listen closely to the things your mom tells you to do and then write a song using a phrase of hers as the chorus. For example: “Can’t go out To’nite.” and make a million bucks
Option 2.) Stop buying, or even stealing this music, and send these guys the message that you the listener will not tolerate this level of plagiarism and utter disregard for standards of cool.

Remember, everything that is shiny ain’t platinum.