Questions for a digital Age

How do you know when it is ok to friend the “person you only kinda know but facebook tells you should know” on FB?

Do you pay attention to status updates?

When you untag a photo do you really think it disappears?

Have emoticons replaced our necessity to speak? Will they soon appear on greeting cards?

When you breakup with someone do you unfriend them on facebook or Do you alter the privacy settings so they cannot see your photos?

At what point is checking their pfile not you living in the past/being a weirdo ex?

Would you ever let anyone see your top 25 most played in Itunes?

What does it mean when you give your gf/bf your password?

How often/when do you change your FB profile pic?

What does it mean to have your facebook profile include an obvious kissy kissy photo of you and your sig other?

Am I still cool if I secretly want to do this but with a non-obvious one?

What does it mean when you change it from the kissy kissy photo?

What does it mean to have your relationship status in your profile?

Is poking sexual?

When living with someone do you clear your internet history after every use?

Will I get a wedding invite via facebook in the next five years? yes no maybe?

Death Notices Via Text Message? Teddy iz totes Ded.

While running today I for some unexplained reason started thinking about death. Specifically how people would be notified should I die.

So none of my friends have my home phone number. And barely any of them know my parents well enough to be included on any kind of email list. Really I think only one of them is in contact with my mom via email

So I am starting to wonder how people would be notified should I die. Like if I were to kick it today, how would my friends find out I was dead? It is not like S would call my house today and my parents would pick up and deliver the bad news. And it is not like my parents would call my friends…cause they don’t have their numbers.

Sure, my parents could scroll through my cell phone address book and call people, but wouldn’t that be weird? Would they call all the random biddies? What if my cell phone was no where to be found?  Then what.

I wonder who would be the first to find out. How would they find out?

Wouldn’t it be weird if your cell phone some how new you were dead and sent out a mass text to people?  My school does-erg did (i am still not feeling like a graduate)- this when there was a snow storm. What would the text say? could I customize it?  What if it was a mass voicemail I had pre-recorded?  It would be like hearing a ghost speak. Like seeing heath ledger play in Batman posthumously. Weird.
Other questions…Who would shut down my facebook account?
Who would shut down the blog?
Do I need to specify this in my will?
When do you write a will?
Shit.

Time to watch the OC on the Soap channel.

Powerpoint Breakups

I hate power points. Whenever a teacher or classmate utilized this pedagogical tool I basically just zoned out. It is boring and far too linear. Bullet points in general just suck. However, last night I realized that power point presentations do not just exist in the classroom or work world, and sometimes they are G.R.E.A.T.

They also come up when discussing ex-relationships with friends. Obvi people dont bust out their mac book pros (unless they also are bedroom djs), but the reason I say these conversations are like power points is that they take something like a 6 month or year long relationship and summarize it in a 3 minute recap. This is usually done by discursively bulleting the pros and cons of said person.

Example:

They were great, they listened to the same music and were a dynamo between sheets

BUT

They were a fucking looney toon and got mad jelly when I was out.

See what I just did? I just took a complex and long relationship and summarized it in no time.

In these power points the cons always outweigh the pros, which is understandable- cause everyone needs to justify why they are no longer together. 

A lot of forgetting happens after a breakup. You need to forget why they were great and why they made you smile. You need to focus on why they were an ass. It is part of the healing process. The powerpoint helps this. You can cut the fat and go right to the sparknotes version of your relationship. Just the facts. 

Some other things I suggest when trying to move on are:

1.) renaming their entry in your phone book. Change it from Jane Doe to “Fucking Cunt” Be creative

2.) Don’t listen to alt or pop radio. Way too many songs with feelings. I suggest listening to as much crunk rap as possible. Remember what pleasure is. Remember that you don’t give a shit about feelings or immature things like love. 

3.) Read the book “against love.”

4.) Stay away from the Encore Love channel…again way too many feelings and way too much Freddie Prinze Jr.

5.) Obvi Remove pictures and other loaded symbols that will make you think about them…for the bad breakups unfriend them on FB.

 

Summer Got you Bored? Then make up a verbal power point about the person you were most recently affiliated with. What were the pros, what were the cons? What was forgotten?

Shallow Thoughts about College Admissions and Email

Everyday on my way to work I pass by my school’s admissions office. There is this part of me that really wants to post a sign below the admissions part that says “rejections.” I mean they are not admissions for everyone. For the majority it is the rejections office. Not only would this show that our school has a sense of humor and that we understand the idea of opposites being co-dependent, but it would also really reinforce the idea that we are an exclusive institution.

Something else I have started to think about is email flirting. Is email the 2000’s version of passing notes? Is it a way to say “hey girl, I think you something special?” Cool thing about email is that unlike notes you can include links to things that they find interesting meaning emails can be notes and mixtapes at the same time. Wow we are efficient these days.

Maybe poking on facebook is a more appropriate comparison. But I feel like poking is more like playground flirting. Like kicking the girl and running away, cause it could be so many different things.

School Visits and Why my Friends Hate this Blog

1.) Accepted Students weekend makes me feel like a salesman sometimes.  Other times it makes me realize why people get into the admissions job.  Is it weird that admissions has made me think of this school as a business and a product? Hi, I am a prospective buyer (student) could you tell me where the marketing department (admissions) is? Yes I would love to see what you have in your show room (campus tour). Seriously though, it was the best time I have had at this job so far.

2.) Talking to high school students is pretty awesome cause they are still excited about life.  They aren’t like seniors who have come to realize that the statistic showing the high percentage of graduates who go to graduate school is not a good thing, but rather a statistic that indicates that your undergraduate degree will not get you a job.

3.) If you saw a three paths on a campus and two of the paths led to a building and the middle path just led to grass what would you think?  would you think the middle path symbolized the value of your education…leading you nowhere? Would you think that the middle path signified that the middle road leads no where and that a person is nothing without extreme well separated beliefs? Would you think that it reflected the schools low endowment and their inability to afford a complete third path? Or would you just take it to mean that the landscape architect was trying something different?

4.) People (3) are getting annoyed with me referencing them in my blog. Blogging is strange. While I take inspiration from my life, a lot of it is embellished for the sake of entertainment. Sometimes I speak truth. Sometimes I dont at all. Most of the time it is in the middle. Whatever. If you see something on here that offends you because you think it putting too much of your business out there, leave a comment and I will take it down. In any event it is interesting though to see how and when people get annoyed over issues of privacy. I mean people are ok with facebook pictures, rfid tags, and dinner table gossip, but posts that allude to them, but make no direct reference are no good. ok. Wait, did i do it again?

5.) I think the only time i would run off to vegas to have a shot gun wedding is if I met a woman who liked the same music as me (and didn’t just tolerate it), had bangs, laughed at my jokes, and stood up to me. (you see this is me embellishing/over-simplifying for entertainment).

6.) I am learning that my break from education has made me an even worse debater/dinner table discussion haver. I cannot form thoughts in any coherent manner. I think I am just going to stop talking until I go back to school.

420…the Birthday Post

420. Columbine, Hitler, Carmen Electra, Joey Lawrence, Marijuana, and Me (Yesterday was my birthday). These are the things that some people think about when they think of the date April 20th, but for me it basically just means Me day. Below are some things I thought about or did on the big day.

Thoughts and Happenings.

1.) Whenever at a small concert with lots of hipster scene kids it is fun to play spot the band member game. Basically you look around the crowd and try to figure out who is in the band and who is just a regular hipster fan. Some hints that they are in the band are:

a.) excessively tight/awkward fitting pants worn with second hand boots that don’t fit quite right.

b.) lots of hair…like lots of hair, so much hair that there is no way in gods name they have another job

c.) wearing the most basic non-descript t-shirt in the place…you see the band does not need to flaunt the best plaid or most ironic t-shirt. They play instruments and will get laid without prancing around like a peacock.

2.) I think if you show up to a concert and you are wearing the same hipster costume as someone else you should walk up to them and battle in some kind of way-be it having a staring/looking disinterested contest or simply pounding your chest-to decide who gets to stay. This is the problem with a room full of hipster scene kids, the risk of running into to your doppleganger is really high, and once you are not unique whats the point of squeezing into that get-up.

3.) The band Jay Reatard has enough hair in the band to be the “locks for love” donors of the year.

4.) Jesus Christ no one dances or even moves at rock concerts any more. I think that maybe all the “hip” kids with a lot of energy and a penchant for dancing (or at least moving) gave up punk and rock n’ roll and now only go to see Djs who drop bangers.

5.) There are 3 types of people in this modern world (this does NOT imply a hierarchy).

a.) people who call you/say happy birthday to your face

b.) people who text you on your birthday

c.) people who leave you a facebook birthday wall post

The New Cat Lady

So today I got a phone call from an ex-girlfriend wishing me a preemptive happy birthday (it was pretty American).

Anyway, sometime between the how are you doing/life update questions and the we should hang out “sometime” promise that is made anytime Xs talk, she mentioned that when the sorority life and typical UCHICAGO study habits leave her with the time to feel lonely, the internet makes her feel less lonesome, and I could not agree more.  The internet is kind of like your best friend who is always willing to do what you want and never really asks for anything back.  Most importantly the internet never really overstays its welcome.  You navigate the entire relationship.  When you want the friend to leave, they leave.

After thinking about the concept a little bit, it dawned on me that the internet is like the new cat.  You know how the lonely spinster or reclusive male librarian is usually thought to have a lot of cats? Well in the new millennium the internet is the Cat.  It is the thing lonely people spend their time with.  Now we don’t have cat ladies, we have youtube life-patzers.   So below are the websites that make me feel less lonely…feel free to contribute yours.

1.) Facebook is the obvious example.

2.) Youtube is another big help. I like to watch music videos from the 90s. One of my favs is 1979 by the smashing pumpkins.

3.) Porn.

4.) NPR.

5.) Podcasts

6.) Blogging

7.) Wikipedia

8.) Messageboards

HS Reunions

A couple more months and it is going to be my high school reunion. I was reminded of this after getting spam from the alumni office, which included a link to a registration form.  After some data input and strangely enough some charges made to my credit card–No, memories are not free–I was signed up for my 5 year high school reunion.   Not too long after hitting the submit button and sending in 80 bones (not including air fare and hotel) I began to day dream about what this experience would be like.

Going by the hollywood model, high school reunions are an opportunity for people to go back and see how much things have changed.  You are supposed to see that the quarterback and prom queen cheerleader are overweight and unhappily married with three obnoxious kids.  But per-usual my life is not going to resemble tinsel town. It cant when the star quarterback actually dressed for this years super bowl and there were no cheerleaders.

What also makes this whole reunion thing weird is that with the advent of stalkerbook, a lot of people are already going to know who got fat, pretty, successful, and everything else that brings people back.  So I am kinda curious as to how this is all going to play out.  Will people just pretend they don’t know your proverbial social security number as a result of many months lurking on FB? Or are there reasons aside from human curiosity that people come back? Are people going to be genuinely happy to see one another?  Or this just going to be an exercise in networking, smiling, and the routine 20 first date questions? Or have people kept is tight contact these past five years, and will this be something that is quite easy and normal for most?  Will this be fun? I have no idea. I do know I am going. As far as everything else. Who knows. Only guarantee is that I have reservations at the cocktail party.

Anyway, I was hoping that people would use the comments space to tell me why you would attend yours.

The Story of a tramp

I originally did this blog as a way to keep myself occupied when I couldnt sleep.

I then used the blog to get myself in the habit of writing often.

I then used the blog to record the little random rants that happen in my head.

For a very long time my family were the only viewers. They kept telling me the writing was good (my earlier work is at times better) and soon I got cocky and thought that others would enjoy my little diatribes about children and insights into the beauty of pinball. So, what did i do? I started sending shameless plugs (links) to friends. Reader numbers increased. This is when everything changed.

Then I started posting links whenever I made an appearance at an online function or gathering. Reader numbers increased. Now I watch my stat counts like a girl watches the phone hoping johnny football star will call. I am a whore when it comes to press. Worse yet, I am a whore who cares. The effect of this is that my readership is up, but this gem has some negative consequences. Now, I am censoring myself. Now that I know certain friends read I am holding some stuff back.

I know I know, it reads like a classic US weekly “i wish i wasn’t in the public eye woe is me story” that comes from someone who is (admittedly) an attention whore. Still, it might be time for a name change. Cause for the past few days I have wanted to say some things but have held back knowing that there was a potential someone who would read it…think it was about them and then unfriend me on facebook, which we all know is the modern version of not inviting someone to their birthday party…ie the truest testament of “you mean nothing to me” that exists in this dirty digital age.

Sigh…Please whoever is reading this…know that what I write here, is not completely serious and that when I am writing about some skanky biddy or meat head bro on here that I am really not talking about you, but rather that other skanky biddy or meat head bro.

Sick like CSI

Since I do not subscribe to the subculture of “Bro” my title is referencing sick very literally. For the past few weeks my office co-workers have created an orchestra with their coughing and sneezing. I have not heard them speak in that time. All they do is make sounds. Grunts in between coughs and sneezes in between key strokes on the computer. As these things go, I am now sick. I am pretty bitter about this and between my resentment and all the dayquil this post is probably going to be a little out there…so hold onto something sturdy. Here we go:

There is no doubt that we live in an era of digital surveillance where instead of asking people questions we can and do simply just look at people’s digital footprints like we are on CSI. We look at their top 25 most played on itunes to get a sense of what their favorite music is. We look at their web history to get a jist of how perverted or pretentious they are, and now with facebook advertising your purchases unless you unclick that option we see how a person likes to spend their money. I have had friends tell me things about myself that I have never mentioned to them. They know because someone used a cell phone to catch and/or broadcast a flick or event. It is kind of like the panopticon but unlike the panoptican it doesn’t really affect our behavior. Instead of this kind of surveillance really affecting how we act in public, which because of the digital age is everywhere, we still behave the same. People still post pictures of morally questionable material online even though their family or business partners could see it, and still generally behave as if no one is really monitoring them. This is not to say that people are not very conscious about how others are perceiving their digital selves, but just that the surveillance has not lead to this system where people are pressured by the gaze of others to not do things. People still listen to shit music, still underage drink, and still buy things that you would think they would not want others knowing about.

This leads me to think that people out there just think that what they are doing and how they are constructing their digital selves won’t lead to any kind of lasting judgment because of the believed relatively little amount of public shaming that goes on after seeing these sorts of things. Well I hate to break it to you, but in my book it does lead to judgment, and tons of public shaming. I am a facebook lurker. There I said it. I spend at times too much time just browsing through people’s facebook accounts. No biggie-I mean who doesn’t? The distinction is that unlike others I am judging you, and a twinkie will expire before my judgments do. Religious views, political views, interests, activities, music it is all coming under scrutiny. Hell even your photo is going to be sliced and diced. My readings of your digital self are long lasting like a wine stain on a communion dress. So think before you post, write, and buy…Cause I am sure I am not the only one with a critical eye or the big mouth. And these things do matter.